After getting our kids down to bed the other night, my husband and I gleefully collapsed on the couch to unwind and enjoy some quiet time.
Blocking intimacy.
It was peaceful, until I started to bring up logistics; “We forgot to sign Eva up for that summer camp and missed the early bird discount. Ugh. We should register her tomorrow. Oh, and James wants to try baseball so we need to figure out if the community center has a program for him.”
Super relaxing conversation, right?!
Lately, I’ve been noticing how I bring up all the things we need to do when we’re in a relaxing situation. Having a little space gives my mind time to process the coming week but verbalizing these thoughts doesn’t lead to a very bonding connection.
I often complain that I want more intimacy and emotional connection with my husband. And yet, when we find ourselves alone, I keep bringing up logistics.
Take responsibility. Name your unhelpful patterns.
Now, my husband and I have an agreement to only talk about logistics when we’re sitting down for a “logistics conversation.”
As I began talking about summer camp, I noticed and named my pattern; “Oh – there I go, talking about logistics when we aren’t going to take action on anything so it’s not helpful and it creates disconnection.”
I stopped myself. I gazed outside at the clouds moving across the night sky. I tried to soak in the peace and quiet. Then my mind thought of another logistic and I began to bring it up without even realizing I was doing it again!
Name your pattern again, and again, and again. Name and shift.
This time, I caught myself and bit my tongue. (I was about to remind my husband that we still hadn’t created a will and trust and should do it in the next two weeks along with our taxes…wow, do I have a knack for intimate connection or what?!)
A wonderful conversation emerged.
After I bit my tongue the second time, Brent and I had a fascinating conversation. It started with me telling a funny story about my own incompetence at fixing something around the house, and how a handyman, Jim, solved the problem in two seconds flat. Jim told me another family hired him to finish their kitchen remodel after a contractor said it was too difficult a project. The husband and wife were anxious the job wasn’t going to get done when Jim arrived, looked at everything and said; “No problem.” The husband showed him another project and Jim said; “No problem, I can take care of that too.” With each item they showed him, Jim looked at it and said; “No problem.” The husband and wife were thrilled. Jim completed the project on schedule and under budget.
Brent and I were both appreciating how Jim has this wonderful combination of being both easy going and capable. It reminded me of this very successful CEO’s advice to hire “happy people” and how Abraham-Hicks talk about our beliefs creating our reality.
Hire happy people who think solutions are within reach.
If you hire someone who has a positive outlook and believes problems are relatively easy and straightforward to solve, that person is more likely to fix things.
I’ve worked with several different accountants and bookkeepers over the years for my business. Some of the accountants had incredibly detailed filing systems that I didn’t end up needing or using. One woman was so fearful about being audited that she created very cumbersome requirements and asked her clients to jump through a lot of hoops to track expenses in minute detail. She told me every single one of her clients had been audited. Other accountants were relaxed, yet competent, telling me what I needed to do without excessive worrying or unnecessary paperwork. The accountant I hired is thorough without creating superfluous work and hasn’t had any clients get audited.
Reflecting on our fabulous handyman Jim, and the variety of accountants and bookkeepers I’ve worked with over the years, I realized the best type of people to work with are competent, yet relaxed.
CYR = Competent, Yet Relaxed.
Brent coined the term CYR and we both decided we want to work with more people who are CYR going forward. We want to be more CYR ourselves too!
CYR people don’t worry or stress about the small stuff. They get things done with competence and ease.
Can you imagine working on a project feeling CYR? What a great feeling! Knowing that you have all the answers within you, or if you don’t, you can easily find the solutions you need. Imagine responding to new requests with Jim’s attitude; “Sure, no problem.”
This doesn’t mean you say yes to everyone else’s demands. Maybe you delegate some tasks to another CYR person. You can handle it, or you can find someone else to handle it. But it’s handled. And there isn’t a lot of worry or fear in the process.
Being CYR means that nothing coming your way knocks you off balance.
This sounds like a lovely way to operate in the world! So today, I’m going to focus on being Competent Yet Relaxed. When I hire someone to help me, I will filter candidates on the criteria of being CYR.
Now I’d love to hear from you! Are you CYR with your work and projects at home? Do you work with anyone who is CYR and if so, what’s that experience like for you?
We really do want to know what you think. Scroll down and leave a comment now!
May you create work and a life you love,
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa, I’m liking the CYR term, and in fact have been drawn to this type of people to hire in the last 6months! And so far that’s all working great!
I can see Katie’s point of view here, but actually when you truely find a CYR they are not at all arrogant and simply ‘know themselves’ and are confident in what they do – so two positives!
Thanks for coining CYR Brent!
Thanks for sharing Immie! and how wonderful that you’ve hired CYR people in the last 6 months, that’s great. Nice work! I’ll pass the compliment along to Brent, I’m sure he’d appreciate it. Next thing I know, he’ll be asking me where his royalties are. 😉
You hooked me with the idea that intimacy and connection are blocked by the constant focus on logistics. It’s a symptom of not staying present. I’ve got to stop that!
However I don’t agree about CYR. To an anxious person, CYR can be incredibly intimidating. Hiring a person like that? Only if they clearly demonstrate a plan and then be present in now. Otherwise CYR comes off as arrogant or cocky. That’s my experience anyway.
But that said, the first part of your message resonates fully for me. I’m taking that with me today. Thank you!
Hi Katie, I’m so glad the focus on logistics was a helpful reminder to you as well! And thank you for sharing your counter-point that CYR might come off as arrogant or cocky to you, I can see what you mean. The people I was thinking of who were CYR also demonstrated a real likability and almost gentle demeanor that helped them come across as capable and kind at the same time.
It’s interesting, if you think of an athlete who is in the zone, they would never worry about intimidating someone else, they’re just getting the job done to the best of their ability. Some athletes do come across as cocky and yet we’d still want that person taking the final shot in a tiebreaker, although I’m not sure I’d want to work with them day in and day out. If someone is obnoxious and cocky, I don’t think they really are CYR. I’ve found that people who feel insecure have a need to act cocky as a false sense of confidence. And yes, I can see why you’d want a CYR person to demonstrate they have a good plan. Sometimes it’s helpful to delegate to someone and not micro-manage, other times it’s useful to understand their plan in advance. It’s a fine line of discernment to check in with your own anxiety and whether your anxiety is causing unnecessary micro-managing or whether it’s useful to get more information from the other person up front. Thank you for the thoughtful contribution!