I spent this past weekend in Mount Shasta on retreat with my Divinity Circle, which is like my spiritual Forum.
I had a powerful healing experience that I’m still integrating, but one insight came through with incredible clarity:
Our power belongs in the center of our own being.
Not outside of us.
Not in someone else’s opinion.
Not in what our parents think we should do.
Not in what our friends would do.
Not in what our culture tells us is responsible, successful, appropriate or “right.”
Inside of us.
And yet, most of us have spent a lifetime learning to put our power everywhere else.
How and why do we give our power away?
It starts when we’re young.
As children, we’re supposed to look outside ourselves for guidance. We give authority to our parents, teachers and other adults because we need them to help us navigate the world.
Then we get older, but the pattern doesn’t necessarily go away.
We give our power to bosses, partners, friends, siblings, mentors, spiritual teachers, experts.
We give it to cultural beliefs about what a successful life is supposed to look like.
We give it to all the “shoulds” we’ve absorbed along the way.
I should stay.
I should leave.
I should want this.
I shouldn’t want that.
This is the responsible choice.
This is what a good mother/partner/leader/person would do.
And sometimes we even give our power to past versions of ourselves.
Something happened before and it hurt, so we let that experience become an authority over what’s possible now.
Here’s what became so clear to me this weekend:
Bit by bit, the locus of our power becomes fragmented.
A little bit over here.
A little bit over there.
Some with a parent. Some with a partner. A friend. A teacher. A belief about who we’re supposed to be. A past experience that still has authority over us.
Until we’re standing in the middle of our own lives, looking everywhere but inside ourselves for the answer.
During my healing this weekend, I saw those fragments as little golden nuggets of my own power that I had unconsciously scattered outside myself over the years.
And I began gathering them back.
One by one.
Not angrily.
Not by rejecting anyone or deciding that other people’s wisdom didn’t matter.
Simply by recognizing:
My power was never meant to live outside of me in the first place.
Our work is to gather those scattered pieces and bring them home.
Back into our bodies.
Back into the center of our own being.
This realization led me to another truth:
No one else is living inside my body.
No one else knows what it feels like on the inside of the inside of me.
Only I do.
Other people can love me deeply. They can know me incredibly well. They can have tremendous wisdom, experience and insight. They can see things I can’t see.
And I absolutely want those people in my life.
But they still aren’t inside of me.
Which means that ultimately, I am the only person who can feel whether something is true for me.
I am the only one who can make that final call.
That doesn’t mean ignoring wise counsel or believing I always know best. It doesn’t mean refusing support. And it certainly doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have teachers, mentors, therapists, coaches, friends or other people who help us see more clearly.
The question is:
Can I receive guidance without handing over my authority?
Can I listen deeply to someone I respect and still remain anchored in myself?
Can I take in their wisdom, turn inward, and ask:
Is this true for me, right now?
Learning to trust myself again has been a practice for many years.
There was a period of my life when I would literally write in my notebook under “To Do” for each day:
I trust myself.
I trust myself.
I trust myself.
Ten times. Sometimes twenty. Over and over again.
It sounds almost ridiculously simple, but I needed the repetition.
I was rebuilding a muscle. Reclaiming an authority I had spent years placing outside myself. Learning that I could listen to the subtle signals inside my own body and trust what I heard.
And I still practice this.
Because reclaiming our power isn’t usually one giant moment when we suddenly become completely self-trusting beings who never second-guess ourselves again.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
It happens decision by decision. Moment by moment. Golden nugget by golden nugget.
Where have you placed your power?
The next time you’re struggling with a decision, try asking yourself:
Where have I put my power?
Close your eyes for a moment.
Notice your body.
Do you feel centered inside yourself?
Or can you feel your energy reaching outward?
Maybe some of your power is sitting with your mother. Your partner. Your best friend. Your boss. A belief about what someone like you is “supposed” to do.
Maybe it’s sitting in an experience from ten years ago that you’re terrified of repeating.
You don’t have to judge any of it.
Just notice.
Where have I placed my authority?
Whose approval am I trying to get?
Whose disappointment am I trying to avoid?
And then imagine calling your power back.
Not angrily.
Not by rejecting everyone else.
Simply gathering the pieces and bringing them home.
Back into your body. Back into the center of your being.
You can listen without leaving yourself.
I think this distinction is important.
Reclaiming your power doesn’t mean becoming an island. Sometimes the people who love us can see something we can’t. Sometimes a teacher or mentor has wisdom we desperately need. Sometimes our past experiences contain important information that should absolutely inform our choices.
The practice isn’t to stop listening.
The practice is to listen without leaving yourself.
Take in the information. Consider the perspective. Feel the wisdom.
And then bring it back through your own center.
Does this feel expansive or contracting?
Does this feel alive?
Does this feel true?
What does my body know that my mind is trying to argue with?
A simple practice for calling your power back
If you want to experiment with this, think about one decision or situation where you’re currently looking for clarity.
Then ask:
- Where have I put my power?
Who or what have I unconsciously made the authority here?
- What am I afraid will happen if I trust myself?
Will someone be disappointed? Will I make a mistake? Will I regret it? Will I violate some belief about who I’m supposed to be?
- What information is actually useful?
Keep the wisdom. Keep the guidance. Keep the lessons from the past. You don’t need to reject any of it in order to reclaim yourself.
- Gather your power back.
Bring your attention into your body.
Feel the center of your chest. Your belly. Your breath.
Imagine all the little fragments of your authority you’ve scattered outside yourself.
You might visualize yourself walking along a path, picking up little golden nuggets of your own power that you accidentally discarded or abandoned along the way.
One by one, gather them. Bring them back into your body and place them in the center of your being, wherever you imagine that to be. I imagine it as my third chakra, just below my rib cage.
And then ask:
What feels true for me now?
You may not immediately get an answer. That’s okay. Maybe the practice isn’t always about knowing the answer. Maybe it’s about remembering where the answer ultimately gets to come from.
You.
Your body.
Your deeper knowing.
The center of your own being.
Because other people can offer you maps. They can walk beside you. They can point out landmarks you might have missed. They can remind you of what you’ve forgotten.
But you are the only person living on the inside of the inside of you.
Gather your power. Bring it home. It belongs there.
Vanessa
P.S. For those of you who have been following her journey, our dear soul sister Lisa Marie transitioned this past May from pancreatic cancer. She chose to have her body composted after she died—so she literally became earth. We held a ceremony for her on top of Mt. Shasta, and each placed some of her dirt somewhere on the mountain. When we returned to the house, an enormous rainbow appeared, framing the entire mountain. Lisa Marie had told us she’d come back as a rainbow. It was a truly magical moment. 🌈
Tears and magic all around.