Last week, I got frustrated at my husband for saying he would be in charge of a bolognese pasta sauce and then not following through.
He’s had a lot going on at work, and I’ve been picking up the extra slack at home. Mostly I don’t mind.
When my mom died last spring, my husband did a lot more of the cooking. I was in a grief induced fog and couldn’t deal with a lot of things, but I did notice and appreciate his help.
Things ebb and flow.
Sometimes you’re more of a giver, other times you’re more of a receiver.
I’ve been cultivating a more generous attitude when it comes to housekeeping, trusting that things balance out in the end.
What I want to talk about today is crossing your inner line.
I’ve noticed a line within myself that no one else can see. It’s the line between feeling fine and feeling resentful.
There comes a point when I cross this invisible line within myself.
I go from feeling generous and open about our relative contributions to feeling resentful and annoyed.
When I’m in a bad mood, thinking about something negative that happened in my life (which could have nothing to do with my husband), I cross the line quicker. If I’m tired, or hungry, dealing with a situation that causes me anxiety, I cross the line quicker.
Sometimes it’s loading the sixth plate in the dishwasher that pushes me over the line. It can be a tiny action that instigates a line crossing. Other times, it’s big and obvious.
Regardless, on the other side of the line is a feeling or belief of; “I’m not ok. This is not ok. I don’t want to be doing this.”
Usually, when I cross this line within myself, I look for someone to blame.
My husband, the sweet man that he is, is often the easiest and most available target. Or I blame myself when I cross the line (why can’t I get more done? Other people seem to have it more together.)
The Soul Switch move in this situation is to stop projecting my pain outward, and instead get curious. What’s really going on here?
The line is a signal. A signal that I need something.
Maybe I really do need my husband to pick up the slack at home. But maybe I don’t. Maybe what I really need is to feel closer to him.
Today, after sharing how I was feeling with Brent and hearing about all the balls he has in the air at work, I had a greater feeling of connection, empathy, and intimacy with him.
One of the things I needed to get back on the good feeling side of the line was simple: intimacy and connection with my husband.
It wasn’t really about the bolognese. It was about feeling close.
I’m curious to know, do you have an invisible line inside yourself? In what ways have you crossed over this internal line at work or at home? How have you abandoned or ignored yourself and your needs?
How are you giving or doing more than you want?
What do you need? What would you like instead?
Let me know your thoughts! Leave a comment below. I really do want to hear what you think!
May you find the intimacy, support and connection you desire,
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Photo credit: Leon Seibert