Last week, I had a minor meltdown.
It started with me aggressively spreading honey on a piece of whole grain toast while muttering under my breath that I had to make three separate breakfasts, and ended with me waving a wooden spoon in the air, splattering cream of wheat, yelling at my husband in front of our kids….it wasn’t pretty.
It was surprising how quickly my anger escalated.
I’m just a little bunny learning my lessons.
Luckily, the shame spiral was short and sweet. I recovered faster than I would’ve in the past.
Mining for gold.
After calming down and apologizing, I went mining for gold. Looking for the lesson or insight I can glean from this uncomfortable experience.
I started by asking; “Hmmm, how am I contributing to this situation?”
Stop resentment in its tracks.
In this instance, I saw how I’d been trying to do too much with our kids, family and work. I ended up exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful.
I wasn’t asking for the support I needed, in part because I didn’t realize how badly I needed it. It kind of snuck up on me.
Good news about resentment. It’s consistent.
Anytime you feel resentful towards someone else, it’s always because you aren’t getting your needs met.
There’s a magic question you can ask to stop feeling resentful:
“Hmmm….How am I NOT getting my needs met?”
Whether you feel resentful at work, or with your partner, I guarantee it’s because you’re not getting your needs met.
Then ask; “What do I need in this situation?”
Get curious about whether you’re (maybe unconsciously) angry with other people for not meeting your needs. You may even feel jealous they’re getting their needs met. It’s not fair! What about me?!
News flash: Waiting for other people to meet your needs is like waiting for Godot…it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s a simple solution.
The key to stop feeling resentful is to get clear on what you need.
Make it happen.
Take action. Seek support. Outsource, delegate, call in reinforcements, call in sick and lie on the couch watching reality TV and eating a popsicle.
Other people are not in charge of meeting your needs. You are.
So, the next time you’re stewing in a pot of resentment soup…turn it around by asking;
“Hmm, how am I not getting my needs met in this situation?”
Then ask; “What do I need, that’s in my control and can be initiated by me?”
This can include making a clear request for support from others.
A few years ago, a girlfriend of mine complained that her husband had all these guys trips. After talking some more, it became clear that she was jealous. She wanted to have more girls trips, but her friends kept flaking out.
She wasn’t taking time for herself and she became resentful of her husband. The solution wasn’t necessarily for him to stop going on guys trips, but for her to figure out what would fill her cup and make it happen.
Sometimes, you have to be flexible or creative to get your needs met.
Maybe you go out of town with just one girlfriend because the group can’t get their sh*t together. If you can’t get a moment alone, maybe you leave work early or take a sick day so you can have the house all to yourself and lie on the couch undisturbed.
A popsicle and some alone time works wonders!
Now we’d love to hear from you! Are you feeling resentful about anything in your life right now? If so, how are you not getting your needs met and what do you need to feel better?
As always, the best conversations happen below. Talk to me. I’d love to hear from you and will read every single comment!
May you create work and a life you love,
P.S. Exciting news…we’ll be opening Scholarship Applications for our upcoming Create Work You Love Program later this week!